Kevin: A song by Emily Roth, about her brother

I know you may not want to see me
But your behavior is not allowed
Would you hear me if I told you
Kevin my heart is with you now

Cause all I want is just one smile
Please just do me this one favor
I won't see you for a while
And Kevin I just want one smile

Did you find what you were after
This past year was full of pain with no laughter
Oh I wish i knew what sets you free
But I pray that you'll be free someday

Cause all I want is just one smile
Please just do me this one favor
I won't see you for a while
And Kevin I just want one smile

Everytime I see you struggle
I see you struggle it makes me cry
Like the story of life
It is just too soon to say goodbye

Cause all I want is just one smile
Please just do me this one favor
I won't see you for a while
And Kevin I just want one smile

Like the story of life
It is just too soon to say goodbye

 

“Emily didn’t smile until we brought Kevin home”  Bonnie says.   “Emily was a little over one year old when we adopted Kevin, and she just loved him.”  Bonnie is savoring this memory as she shares it.  Her pride about her three adopted children Emily, Kevin and Sarah is contagious.  I find my own mouth stretching into a grin as she describes the irony of Emily’s song.  And I wonder at Emily’s wish to see Kevin smile, because what Bonnie describes is the ultimate endowment between two people,  the inside joke, cloaked in feelings of pure acceptance.  And Kevin and Emily began exchanging this gift as infants.  “They were best friends from the beginning, totally inseparable,” Bonnie continues, “As toddlers they’d streak up and down the halls of our apartment playing soccer for hours.  Little balls of energy…And later, they were both interested in sports and shared the same friends, until Kevin started having problems.”  But even when Bonnie broaches the subject of the hardest three years of her life as a mother, the most recent three, she doesn’t stop smiling. 

 

Three years ago, when Emily was about 14 and Kevin was 13, he began acting out.  He’d hurt his back and couldn’t play soccer anymore.  Soccer was what he felt most proud of.  It was the thing he excelled at.  His sisters outshined him at, what must have seemed like, everything else.  Kevin began hanging out with a rougher crowd, staying out too late, hurling insults and accusations at his parents.  He wanted more information about his birth family.  He was sure that they would love him more, do more for him, make him feel better.  He wasn’t sure who he was anymore...he still isn’t.

 

After Kevin’s behavior escalated to include violence, Bonnie and her husband Bob, made the heart wrenching decision to place him in a hospital.  When that wasn’t enough to quell the tide of rage that had built up in their once gentle son, he was moved to a group home hours away from the community that had loved and embraced him.

Kevin also left his best friend Emily behind. 

 

“We were so close in age and we had everything in common, ” Emily says.  She is soft spoken and tends to study her shoes while she describes her torn relationship with her brother.  But while she appears timid during our interactions, her answers are candid and truthful and it’s clear that she has been thinking about this for a long time.  “I think Kevin helped shape who I am.  We exposed each other to new things.  We learned from each others mistakes.  We would have these deep discussions about everything and we had the same political views, the same values.  I remember, a few years ago, before Kevin started having problems, we were having all of these talks about gay marriage.  This was during the time when the General Conference was held and the big issue was gay marriage in the church.  We opened our minds together talking about that.  I think, because we’re both interracial we were more open minded to begin with, but we formed a lot of our morals and viewpoints during those talks.  I still think we agree on everything.  I mean those types of things.  But we haven’t talked, like, really talked for about three years now.” 

 

“My favorite memory of being with him is when we went on this Appalachia Service trip with the church.  We got to work side by side and we laughed a lot.  We would feed off of each other’s energy.  We really supported each other.  At times, from the outside, he can appear selfish…people misjudge him…especially the way he looks now with the goatee and stuff.  But deep down he’s really gentle, he’s so good with kids and he has a caring heart.”

 

“After he messed up his back, I think he just felt useless.  Sarah and I, we’re different, but we both really excel at what we do.  Sarah has her acting and she’s good in school and I have sports and music and school stuff.  She and I both won this big award the Justin Wynn Leadership Scholarship and, I think Kevin felt like he kind of ashamed he wasn’t as successful in something.”

 

“Even though I kind of understand how bad he felt, I hated him for the violence.  I was really lonely when he first left.  I used to have him by my side when I’d fight with my parents, go to the park or hang out with the guys.  There was an unspoken agreement between us that we would always be there for each other.  It all happened so fast.  He went to the hospital and he basically never came home.  I guess I realized pretty quick it wouldn’t be short term and there was a chance we’d drift apart.  He said he never wanted to come home again.  I blamed myself for starting that last fight, I was really the one who  started it.”

 

“Now we don’t know what’s going on in each other’s lives anymore.  These past three years have been huge, we are both becoming adults and there are so many things I wish he’d been there for.  He used to come to all of my games, award dinners, stuff like that.  I think he was really proud of me even when he felt like I did so much more or whatever.  I got an “All Sectional” soccer award and a bunch of scholarships.  I have a boyfriend and joined a band and started singing and writing music.  I really wished he could have been at our concert.” 

 

“I also met my birth mom two weeks ago.  I thought it would have been great to have him there, but then I started thinking, he might feel bad because my birth mom was so great and, that same weekend, Kevin’s birth mom died.” 

 

“I wanted him to come to my graduation.  He said he would come.  I know he was here in Evanston but, he didn’t show up.  We don’t really see each other now.  I’ve never been to that place where he lives.  And, living without him, well, all our problems are still unsolved.  We both know we need to talk.  I think I’m just waiting for him to get better, to be the old Kevin.  I wish, and I know he’d want this too, I wish he could go back to eighth grade and start fresh.  I know he’d try so hard to do it right.” 

 

“I hope he can find a piece of what he used to be, to be a more loving person.  I’ll be patient.  I’d rather it would take 10 years to get him back then never have him again.  I’ll be patient.”